Spoken Like a True Patriot

I’m not sure about you, but I just can’t fight it anymore. There comes a time in all bad relationships where someone has to put their foot down and say it’s over. Well America, we should see other people. I have a long list of grievances but I think it really comes down to a couple key points. Here it goes
1) Imposing “America”, and all the cultural and economic excrement that comes with it, upon every living inch of the globe.
It’s bad enough that Americans have to put up with America but should we really put the rest of the world through the eradication of the middle class through subservience of all political institutions to Big Business and Bankers? Americans politics is a joke. Everyone in politics knows this. All politics is political theater. It’s a way to divide and conquer us in the only realm that really matters, economics....the only realm of our lives where democracy has yet to bubble up and make its presence known. What good is democracy in politics if politics is owned by amoral, fascist businessmen who want to dictate the entire spectrum of our lives? Voting between two incredibly rich people who grew up in a life totally different from the people they “represent” is not political power. Americans have no political power and that’s why our leaders try to export “democracy” to nations like Iraq, Vietnam, all of South America and, rest assured, American diplomats are working hard to bring the good people of Egypt their very own “free elections” of American puppets which comes with a free Starbucks, Pizza Hut and I even heard Egyptian Idol was premiering next season! Oh goody. We’re getting dumber and fatter every year.
----Thanks for setting the bar a little lower, America. Where you were once a shining beacon of hope for the rest of the world you’ve become very much like the fallen celebrities that litter your reality TV shows: dumber, fatter and more obnoxious than we remember. American kids are outstandingly stupid and getting stupider every generation. How can that be? A modern superpower whose people are getting dumberer? Wait, that’s not how you spell dumber. By the way America, your ass is hanging over the side of your office chair as you mindlessly watch YouTube videos and spit Cheetos all over the monitor when that fat kid dances to whatever garbage pop song has been engineered for maximum mediocrity. Get your stretch marked pale skin off the beach and into the gym. Have some shame and have some pride, American lard-ass. Quit thinking that buying the “just” products will create a just world.
----Check out American Soccer Mom model #A39724....She shops at Whole Foods buying the chicken from the company that bought their way into a label that says “USDA certified organic” and “free range”. Never mind that most organic food isn’t truly organic. Or even that fresh. Is organic Coca Cola good for you? American Soccer mom knows the answer...”Coke refreshes. That’s all I know” she says with a beaming, white smile. She loads her cart with fair trade coffee and vegan chap stick. Beeswax free candles and deodorant that’s ground up pieces of bark from some Panamanian birch tree. Condoms made from wheatgrass and bubble gum, held together somehow by quantum forces and organic pixie dust. The rectangular box she takes from the freezer section says, “all natural” and “100% recycled cardboard”. American Soccer mom gingerly tosses it into the shopping cart. She knows she’s providing her children with the healthiest food-like substances that can be hyper processed, pumped with preservatives and frozen only to be reheated again by tiny radioactive microwaves. “It’s more expensive, that means its better. And look, all the kids that work here have thick black rimmed glasses. It must be part of the uniform. I love being green”, She loads her groceries into her 16 foot, 4000 lb SUV and drives off alone.
America I am ashamed to be a part of you but I can’t leave you. It’s the time in our relationship for you to make a change, Take some personal responsibility for social problems. Don’t vote for some schmuck and hope he’s going to feed the homeless. GO AND FEED THE HOMELESS!! Don’t wait for all the stupid people to get educated. EDUCATE THEM!! Don’t buy organic. GROW YOUR OWN!! Don’t buy a hybrid. BUY A BIKE!! Most importantly America, remember you are a nation of strong, intelligent, willful people. Your people brought on the Industrial Revolution. Your people invented the computer and the internet. Your people export more culture across this world than any other. So, please, if our leaders are going to impose America on the entire world without our consent isn’t it time we start taking responsibility and pride in what it means to be an American. It means you stand up. It means you do what’s right. It means you take personal responsibility for social problems. The same way the Founding Fathers did. The same way we will. When we finally wake up and realize that what’s been taken from us is our very identity. I don’t want to be ashamed of who I am anymore;